Morgana’s blog

We did the prescreening test for down syndrome and several other genetic abnormalities for our baby. We got a call this past week that our baby popped for having a high risk of Down Snydrome. We went in for an extra ultra sound to look for signs of down syndrome in our baby. They found that the baby's nose appears small and it is a risk factor for Down Snydrome. They did not see any other signs in the ultra sound but the ultra sound is not an accurate enough to determine whether to be concerned or not to be concerned. We had a 1/37 chance of the baby having down snydrome with the ultra sound showing a risk factor it increases that possiblity. We having an Amino done on Monday which will tell us for sure whether or not the baby has down snydrome. We wont know the results for1 to 2 weeks so we are waiting, hoping and praying! We accpet all hope and prayers from anyone else with us! because I'm pretty scared but on the postive side we are having a girl!

So Landon has started going on the potty again sometime maybe once a day but thats a start again! The boys had a great time Trick or Treating! Jason and I had a good time together. We have had several heart to hearts and we are really trying to let things with Logan interfere in our marriage. We get so down on ourselves when hes having so much trouble that it causes problems everywhere else. We are really trying to meet each others needs and keep up our spirits about being able to help Logan. Jason is going in to observe his class hopefully next week. We are not trying anymore vitinmins with Logan because he had an allergic reaction. I am thinking of having him tested for allegeries he has often ended up with hives so maybe if we know what he is allergic too it might help him in school. We all went out to breakfast together this morning which was really nice even though Logan was over tired from trick or treating and too much candy! I am worried about him having a hard day monday because Halloween threw off his schedule a bit! Though this past week we have seen a small improvement! I had Logan give his teacher flowers for Halloween I figured sucking up can't hurt! We had so much drama with breaking costumes though and that suck but we got it all settled with some time a late night trip to walmart and velcro.

Now for the truly insane part of our night. We all tuckered out about 9:30 or 10 went to sleep soundly. At 3am there is someone ringing are bell over and over again. I am thinking dude someone better be dead and if they wake up my kids they will be dead! ;O) Unforunately it was something serious are neighbor was at our door in tears. His wife, him and three other neighbors went out to a club after there kids went to bed. Apparently his wife thought he asked someone to dance walked back home and when he got home started hitting him with a broom. Accusing everyone of cheating with her husband. It took all three of them to pull her off of him! My husband had to help the guy file charges because hes his boss and hes our friend. Our other neighbor is now a witness and they arrested the wife. The part of this I hate to admit is its our babysitter who got arrested. We knew they had money trouble and some martial issues but we had no idea it was this bad. We have the serious worse taste in babysitters. She seemed so normal and the kids love her. I think it must be stressed and hurt. Stuff like this is why I do not drink anymore I am too old for this crap. Shes younger and shes about to learn her lesson the hard way. Why never to mix wounded emotions and drinking!  I truly feel bad for their children and them both. Its a sad mess up stuff that didn't need to happen. Seriously people need to learn when they should not drink and its sad it takes stuff like this to figure it out. I understand to some extent. It took me a decent amount of craziness for me to learn. I truly think she has learned. Either way I am now out a babysitter because there is no way I will leave me kids with her. Even though her children are such good kids. Thats a crazy situation and I don't want my children anywhere near just in case! I need to get better at judging babysitters! People are crazy!

Basically reverse everything I said in my last blog and thats whats going on now! Logan is having a lot of trouble in school and his teacher keep sending home notes about him pulling off leaves from thier trees! Leaves seriously! Its a dam leaf  quote from the teacher" Your son does not seem to respect living things and he often pulls the leaves off of our trees. We tried explaining to him that trees are living things, but he did not stop!" This combined with his difficulties with making friends and sitting still for circle time! Is making my head explode the more I read and try the less it seems to help. I'm so frustrated I don't know what to do and it seems like everyone wants to dignoisis him with something! Except his school skills teacher who loves him and thinks hes great and our friends who when we go to parties compliments how well our kids behave! Jason and I are having a lot of problems again not arguing just feeling connected in general. We have learned how to talk to each other and now it seems like we've just lost the love we had for each other. Landon refuses to go on the potty now where he was doing so good before! He somewhere picked up sticking out his tongue and now keeps doing that when I am telling him not to do something! Halloween is coming and its my favorite time of year. I don't feel an ounce of happy right now. I have no answers and a very little amount of hope. I thought my life had taken a turn for the better coming out of the darkness but it didn't. I'm looking for some light at the end of my tunnel and I hope I find it. I wonder what needs to be done to make the happiness come back to my life.  

Everything has been going so great lately falling into place minus my hubby buying the big ugly car and expecting me to learn how to drive the huge beast! lol! Logan is doing good at school. Still needs to work on making friends hes doesnt know the names of the kids in his class yet, but hes doing better. Landon potty training is going well with the help of low sugar yogurt pops! lol!  Hubby and me have really found a way to communicate and laugh together! Though I find myself missing my friends so very much! sigh you just can't have it all I guess! Longing today for old friends and good conversation! miss you guys! love you

Danny

Landon is in full blown no mommy mode! I forgot how frustrating this is combined with potty training! I thought Landon would be so much easier to potty train since he wants to do anything Logan does but alas nope! He will barely even sit on the potty we can't keep him still enough to get him to actually use the potty. Logan loved to read to so we just read to logan and he sat there all happy as can be! Landon on the other hand could careless about books and unless its a ball it really doesn't interest him all that much! Landon is also hitting his brother now who we just finally got to use his words instead of hitting though he still screams first then uses his words! This week I am postive I am failing at this mommy thing!

I cleaned my house played with kids got the kids to clean their room! Got Landon down for a nap and I'm teaching Logan about weather! yay me! Now I have to figure out how to teach Landon his colors because I seem to be failing at this lately :O/

Well I thought maybe everything was going to be ok that my marriage was going to get better...then Jason told me today that he doesn't love me anymore. He was in love with me once and he still loves me like a friend, but we just don't have much in common. He thinks he didn't know me well enough before we got married. He wants me to stay and try to fall back in love with me. Unfortunately I can't do that. I can't accept he doesn't love me. I love him so much and I feel so rejected that again I have loved someone dearly and they have not loved me back. I am trying to find the strength to leave but everything feels like it is trapping me here. I can't bring myself to go ...I can't bring myself to stay. I just have to find it in myself to pick myself up dust myself off from this failure and move on, but my kids...I don't know if I can't look at them and tell them I couldn't make this all work. this sucks

So we after shopping tonight we went to the movies...Logan wanted to see Marley and me and I wasn't sure because it was PG and I didn't want it to be bad for Logan...but my hubby and landon pointing at the picture saying Doggy and Nose to Owen Wilson made me laugh so hard I couldn't say no...so I went in with minimal knowledge of the movie...and loggie and landon were sleeping about 30 mins into the movie. Jay and I however were balling our eyes out for the entire movie...because we saw our life playing out before us...it spoke to the heart of our values and our stuggles in this life...it was a beautiful reminder of what is best about our life...and something to think of when Max destroys my house on a daily basis and jumps on all my neighbors...We struggle like crazy but my husband makes me laugh my kids make me laugh my dog laid beside me all night and day when we lost our baby...when  those two kids were sleeping on us and we were holding hands in that movie...it reminded me how truly blessed we are and how easy it is to get overwhelmed and how we need to laugh more at all the insane things that happen in a day because seriously some of it would be pretty funny from the outside. The love and the laughs those are what get you through life...and as loggie always loves to say max is a member of our family.I am glad at least he was asleep for the end of the movie...he would of been so upset! love you!

I haven't even got to tell many of you that I was pregnant but for the few I did get to tell...we lost our baby today...we are sad ... its just been a bad couple of weeks between our dog getting hit by the car and breaking his leg..josh and me fighting and now this....I'm trying not to let everything get me down...try to concentrate on what we still do have...which is each other and our boys...we have been blessed and I am extremely grateful for all I do have...jay is really supportive and great we seem to be really great support for each other through this...so hopefully our sadness with swiftly pass..I just don't know how to tell logan...he was excited and I just don't know what to say...I'm hoping our holidays will get better soon

you know...I think I often just love people more than they love me...but yet somehow I am still amazed when I realize that they don't love me as much as I love them...I thought I meant so much more to josh than I ever really did...and it stung so very badly to realize someone you see as one of your closes and dearest friend see you as he does everyone else...I truly felt like someone stabbed my heart ....and its throwing me for a world wind of doubt and hurt...like does anyone I think cares about me actually. I don't often get to talk to the people I love so god only knows if anyone even loves me half as much as I love them anymore...he even said he actually hated me for a while about well a lot of stuff...and I'm so hurt and thinking about it...and its totally out of his mind...and it makes me feel like I know nothing about how people for about me at all...maybe everyone hates me underneath it all...what do I know apparently about anything